sorry it's taken me so long to get to the computer- my hands are full, literally- if i were an octopus now my hands would still be full...motherhood is amazing, the mystery has unfolded at least the first part has revealed itself...the birth.

my water broke after yoga 4 thursdays ago (may 27) at about 7pm. i had just come from swimming 1200 meters at the aquatic center & didn't feel exactly right. nonetheless, bob had just gotten home & we were taking the dogs to the park.

i stepped out of the house & flooded my driveway... i was soaking wet, but no contractions, how exciting!! ben was on his way. bob wanted to go to the hospital right then, i wanted to go to the park w/ the dogs.. we went to the park where more water rushed onto the grassy park.

we decided to go home & get on our way to the hospital. 9:30 pm we got checked in...in a room w/5 other women in all different stages of labor. this was disconcerting, having only a thin curtain between you & the woman beside you who is several hours into the labor and she's moaning & wimpering in discomfort. part of me wanted to comfort her- to stick my hand under the curtain, outstretch my arm & sympathies & tell her its the mopst glorious pain she'll ever feel, while part of me wanted to suffocate her with her own pillow- so i wouldn't be subjected to her cries anymore which raised my anxiety ten-fold. thankfully, we were moved into our private room quickly.

not too long after, we were checked in and went in to our birthing room- a generous sized room w/ a dining room table (were we going to have a sit-down dinner here i wondered?), several monitors to keep track of mommy & baby, a chair that folded out to a "bed" for daddy & a private bath.

i was starving, i hadn't eaten lunch or dinner that day (poor planning on my part) and i asked the nurse & doctor for some food. they said no food, not until after the birth because i could asperate if i needed a c-section. they offered me ice chips. were they joking?/ i was starving, 9 months pregnant, in labor, about to preform the hardest work of my career as a human and they wanted me to derive energy from ice chips?? i wasn't having it. I secretly called one of my best friends at 1:30 am to get astro burger & swiftly deliver it to the hospital. thank g-d for geri, she answered my prayers & 40 minutes later i was secretly devouring 2 veggie dogs with extra relish & mustard & a large fries. (which later i would vomit up from the morphine, but it was worth it).

the contractions started at 5 minutes apart...several hours (8 hours) went by & according to the monitors the contractions hadn't gotten closer together-
doctors are worried when your h2o breaks and you don't progress quickly enough, the rate of infection increases dramatically- they also don't want to
examine you because there is a distinct risk of introducing bacteria into an unprotected area where the baby now exists.

they waited 8 hours to examine me and by now my contractions were 4 minutes apart but no dilation- i was not even at 1 centimeter. my doctor appeared in the room to perform a procedure called "stripping" the cervix which actually means he's going to tear your insides from themselves with his bare hands...not very comfortable- but necessary to promote the cervix dilating. even after that i was only at 1 centimeter...so they administered pitocin by drip IV. this really sped things up. soon i was having contractions 2 minutes apart then right on top of each other- surely this living hell meant i was dilated enough to start pushing or at the very least to have an epidural.. no such luck.

several more hours passed, each minute feeling like being caught in a freezing rainstorm sans coat or umbrella.. i was only at 2 centimeters. the pain culminated during this period & they decided to give me morphine beacause i wasn't far enough along for an epidural. i imagined, naively, that the morphine would take me far away from the pain with visions of doves & flowers- not so much. the morphine took the edge off the pain, but i started to get bed spins, super dizzy & vomited for what seemed like a long time (there goes the veggie dogs, my secret was out, i had eaten). a doctor came in & examined me & i was at 3 centimeters- time for the epidural-

..a super cute anesthesiologist came in with his bag of tricks as i was writhing in pain ..i was apprehensive about the whole procedure- i wanted to feel...i didn't want to be fully numb for pushing. but this current feeling had to be quelled...so i went for it. he was great..the contractions were about every minute so he'd have to stop intermittently to wait until my contraction was over so i could sit still.. ah, relief... after the epidural i dozed for about 40 minutes, my labor had now been close to 24 hours long & i was spent. bob & my sister & my friend caro by my side, i relaxed.

doctors kept coming in and threatening c-section if i didn't progress rapidly. the baby's heart monitor kept them concerned, every time i had a strong contraction his heart rate dropped dramatically & didn't rise fast enough to suit them, so they wanted to watch him more closely so they had to put an "internal monitor" on him (which actually was a tiny screw into his head through my vagina) . now i had a wire coming out of my back w/ the epidural, a wire coming out of my vagina, an IV in my arm & contractions every 60 seconds.. ah, the joys of motherhood & birth.

then they decided that the sac had been broken for too long (too risky) so they wanted to do a c-section & also put a catheter in my vagina to infuse him with fluid. yet another tube coming out of my body. the epidural had really helped a lot- my advice is if you feel you need it, take it, don't wait. i could still feel & had sensation for pushing it was just more pressure than sharp pain. it was, in a word, relief.

they moved me to the high-risk birthing room, speculating from his heart rate & the length of time since my h2o had broken that a c-section was necessary. from the heart-rate, they deduced that the cord was wrapped around ben's neck inside of me. would my baby be ok? could he breathe alright? somehow, in my drugged, exhausted state i envisioned my breath to be taking care of ben- my yoga breathing being able to sustain both of us, with grace and ease...floating
him, bringing him with breathing in and out, with yoga breath into this world.

the doctors came into the room & said his heart-rate was dropping & we had to prep for a c-section. i was scared, disappointed & tired. i asked them to examine me, i was sure that i had progressed enough to start pushing, the doctor agreed to check me. i was at 8!! she was thrilled, said i had progressed quickly now & i could be moved to the operating room & could labor on the operating room table for a short while- maybe i could progress to 9 or 10 so could push ben into this world my own way.

bob & my sister & i made our way to the operating room - sterile & cold , bright, white, scalpels & other metal instruments lay beside me now as i labored with intensity. the labor nurse was amazing and as she talked me through the breathing, i was dilated to 9. the doctor was amazing also. i could push... bob & my sister each took a leg & helped me push & breathe, push & breathe. now i know why the partner squats were so important in yoga class- the endurance & focus were essential.

1 hour & 35 minutes later Ben magically appeared on the operating room table. he was beautiful and perfect & blue...but the blue color subsided- the neo-natologists that are friends of ours were bedside to check him out...the 30 hour labor hadn't adversely affected him...he was gloriously & gracefully meeting his challenge with ease. the breath took him from his world into ours and i will never forget these amazing moments that brought him to us.

the yoga, the inner breath meeting with the outer strength is a learned task that you, jessica and the practice has taught me. the identical outer strength & inner breath that i employ every day as a new mother meeting my son, all hours of the day & night for food, comfort, touch & laughter... thank you for helping me find my inner core, the essence of myself that i utilize each moment as a mother. i am so grateful.
xoxo,
sarah